Tuesday, 25 October 2016
Holy crap. Guess what? I'm still pregnant. Like as of 5 minutes ago when I heard the baby's heartbeat on my home doppler. Whaaaaa?!?!?
This is nuts.
I'm 11 weeks, 5 days. The time is creeping sloooooowly along.
The shock has not subsided. Acceptance is not here either.
I'm kind of living in a weird state of limbo where my brain can't admit that yes, my body is actually still pregnant and boobs have never looked better.
My tummy is growing, yet I can't quite bring myself to buy many new clothes yet, for fear that If I had to grieve the loss of this pregnancy and get rid of maternity pants, that it would be an added ounce of pain that isn't worth it yet.
The f*cked up infertile that I thought I had banished to the basement of my emotions for the past couple years is apparently still alive and well.
I can't stop thinking that I never even dreamt about a natural pregnancy, since I was 28 years old and I heard our infertility diagnoses because our chances were so bleak. We didn't ever have timed intercourse because I felt like it was pointless (and ha! I thought our treatments would work).
There was never even a thought in my mind in over 10 years that this could happen. I thought of it as a small blessing in a way, that I didn't have to get my hopes up every single month for nothing.
I'm still shaking my head that I'm even writing about such a thing- happening to us.
I really hope this continues. What an unbelievably awesome ending it would be to everything we've been through.
Thursday, 6 October 2016
Wednesday, 5 October 2016
Ok...so there was a heartbeat!!!!!!!!
This is freaking nuts. Absolutely mind blowing.
The doctor says she thinks I would be 10-12 weeks pregnant based on my hcg, uterus size and the baby's (what- did I just write baby!?!?) heart rate.
Today, I was at a clinic. Long story short I'm away from home for a while and it's harder to get the medical care I'm used to. There was not ultrasound machine, so the doctor used a doppler.
I got referred for an ultrasound tomorrow.
Monday, 3 October 2016
Is anyone still out there?
I have some crazy news that I'm not sharing with many people in real life.
I thought I was in menopause...seriously. But after feeling tired and grouchy for a while, hubs suggested that I take an HPT. I serious thought I eas having a variety of perimenopausal symptoms.
I went to a clinic and my HCG was 87,000.
I am waiting on my doctor's appointment this Wednesday to see if there is an actual live baby inside me.
After my history, I'm really not getting my hopes up.
But really, if this does end up working out?!? It's nuts. I only found out last week, and if my calculations are right, I could be 15 weeks along.
Cue my brain wanting to explode, and needing to get it out somewhere.
Ps) My pumpkin's amazing & going to be two very soon!
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
I think of this space almost every day. I love reading other blogger's posts, and sometimes I feel guilty about dropping off the face of the blogger-earth, especially when writing, and your comments were such essential lifelines to me for so long.
I've been busy enjoying life. Feeling contented was previously so elusive, that I wondered if it actually existed. A huge chunk of this contentedness most definitely comes from life with Babykins, but the other part I am certain is because of the happy pills (antidepressants) that I continue to take. Love them both, of course in different ways. I also love not going through the physical and emotional rollercoaster of IF.
Babykins is almost 17 months. He is a very busy little guy, running – hardly ever walking - almost everywhere he goes. He is so curious about everything. I enjoy watching him take in the world and babble back at it. My Dad nicknamed him Tornado Boy, and it’s an accurate representation of what happens when he’s around. Bucket of toys? Dump it! Mommy’s PJ drawer? Whip everything out, and quickly move on to the next thing. When I get frustrated with the mess that follows him, I have to remind myself that absolutely everything is new, fun, and full of wonder for him.
Our home now looks dramatically different than it did only months ago. We’ve moved on from baby proofing to toddler proofing. Bye-bye little plastic cabinet latches, hello to the heavy duty magnet kind!
Love these by the way! They are pricey but worth it. The only draw back is that he likes to hide the magnets when he gets a hold of them. http://www.amazon.com/Safety-1st-Magnetic-Locking-System/dp/B004GCJMLG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1456251470&sr=8-1&keywords=baby+proofing+magnets)
Before Babykins came around, I naively thought that several hundred “no’s” would be enough to teach a toddler to stay out of certain areas. No means “Fun! Let’s do it again” to him. It’s something we’re working on. ;)
Babykins is honestly the most smiley and giggly baby- scratch that- toddler (Aaah! Where did my baby go?!). People at the grocery store, swimming lessons, church, in our family and friends say they have ever seen another baby like him. His new (2 mornings a week) babysitter said that he smiled "99% of the time" while he was there. We just love how generous he is with his smiles and how ticklish he is.
He seriously has the most addictive little face. I always say that he’s cuter than any baby we could have made. He has a full head of blonde hair and has had 3 haircuts already!
As I re-read where I left off with my last post, I noticed he was 23 lbs at 10 months. Now, seven months later, he’s only 25 pounds and quite a bit taller. He’s a pretty decent eater still (although he’s lost his love for certain veggies), but he rarely sits still so he doesn’t gain much weight.
If Babykins were given five supervision-free minutes at home, this is how I know he would spend it.
1. Run to the toilet. Rapidly lift the lid and swish both hands back and forth along the bottom of the bowl.
2. Run to the garbage. If it was accidentally left unlocked, celebrate by picking things out, touching all of the recycling and maybe having a snack or two.
3. Go into the closet and get the vacuum out. Empty out everything from the closet. Grab the broom and “clean” the floor. This boy loves all things cleaning. I have no idea where he got this love from. He certainly doesn’t get it from either one of his parents.
4. Find the cat and pet him gently at first, then get excited and pull his tail.
In other parts of our life, we’ve been thinking of moving. We were fortunate to purchase a cottage a couple of years ago near my family, a five-hour car ride from where we live now. I’ve been debating since before we purchased it, if we would like to live there one day.
Because D works from home, we’re able to spend 6 months of the year at each place. It’s is the perfect solution for right now. But of course, when Babykins starts school, that’s all going to change.
Summers at the cottage are great, but the cold winters aren’t. I love being close to my family and Babykins being near his cousins. I notice a change in my relationships with my family members when I am there. We are so much more connected when I am geographically closer. We don’t have any friends that live there though, and we miss those connections.
We prefer our home in the winter. All of our friends are here, as well as D’s parents. Because it’s a bigger city, there is more entertainment, and stuff to do with Babykins.
We are outgrowing our winter home. It also has a pool that we have kept closed for the past two summers. I planted huge gardens that we now have to pay someone to care for in the summer. Our next door neighbour who cared for our lawn and the inside of our house is now moving. All of this means that we feel like it is time to list our house.
I’m feeling like I can’t take D away from his parents, and that I’m not ready to move to the cottage full time. So for now at least, we are hoping to move within the same town to a house with very little exterior maintenance. I would love to build something new near my best friend, but D wants to find a more reasonably priced existing place.
We’ve met with realtors and have been spending all of our extra time getting our house ready to sell. Seeing my house perked up has made me love it all over again.
I don’t feel like I can talk with much of this with my real life family or friends for lots of reasons. I know it’s a good problem to have, but it still weighs on my mind wondering if we are making the right decisions.
Also contributing to the desire to move is that we are feeling ready to start trying for baby #2. And we don’t have a great place to put baby #2 if we were so lucky.
Until a couple of months ago, I wasn’t sure if D would ever feel like he wanted a second. He’s so in love with Babykins, and is a very involved parent, especially because he works from home. But he’s exhausted. Babykins hasn’t been a great sleeper since the beginning, and D is a light sleeper. I am the opposite, thankfully. D has spent more than his fair share of nights awake.
D is an amazing father. I always knew he’d be a really great dad, but he’s truly wonderful. I am lucky to have him as a partner and co-parent. I am especially reminded as I read other venting posts on Facebook mommy groups. My guy is the opposite of so many other daddy duds out there.
But back to baby #2…. We have four normal embryos. We are going to ship them back to our local clinic from CCRM. Yes, the success rates aren’t as stellar, and shipping them carries risk, but we don’t want four more kids, so we are prepared to take on a little risk for the convenience of not having to travel half way down the continent and spend even more of our savings. If we didn’t have to repeat the $4,000 one day work up at CCRM to do a frozen transfer, we’d probably just keep them where they are, but they won’t waive this pre-requisite.
We’re aiming to transfer one embryo in the next month or two before we leave for the summer. We are only going to try until I get pregnant. As D says, we know that I can get pregnant, we just don’t know if I can carry. Emotionally, if I have another miscarriage, I don’t want to do any more transfers. I think I’ll officially throw in the towel at that time with using my body.
Truthfully, I don’t even want to be pregnant. Like, at all. I’ve read about and watched many of my friends have rough pregnancies and recoveries and I really don’t want to experience any of that, especially while chasing after our busy little guy. I don’t want to miss out on any moments with him.
If I had someone suitable offering to be my surrogate this moment, I’d take them up on their offer. My sister generously offered to be our surrogate after she has a second child, but that’s at least 4 years away. I would be 40 at that time, and given my energy levels now, that seems too far away for me.
I’d love to do another adoption, but we feel like we need to give our little embies a shot at life first.
That’s all for now… Sending love your way!
Sunday, 26 July 2015
Life has been good to us these past months. I love summer. Babykins is thriving. Antidepressants have been the boost that I needed for so many years.
Seriously- why did I wait so long to take these happy pills? They are so nice! They make me a more content person. I am surprised by how my thinking has changed. Little things that would annoy me (like the sound of a fan- seriously), don't anymore. I am a little lazier and sleepier too, but I feel like it's a small price to pay for better mental health. My only fear now is thinking about stopping the pills, which I have no plans to do anytime soon.
He's a baby that loves to smile when you do, and happily seeks the attention of those around him. He's curiously exploring every aspect of his world, now on all fours, crawling and pulling himself up onto absolutely everything.
He loves food. On the weekend, after he had breakfast at home, we went to a friend's for brunch. He had another full meal with us, and then when their daughter woke from her nap, he joined her for another small meal. Three breakfasts in about two hours. I love that he loves healthy food so much, and I hope he continues to be a good eater. He's a big boy at almost 23lbs, and in the mid-80th percentiles for weight and height.
I am enjoying this phase (he's almost 10 months) of parenting so much more than the newborn stage. While it's still tiring, (Babykins is still is a crummy sleeper- we've tried lots of different approches but are realizing that this may just be him 😳.), it's sooo much better than those first few months of feeling like a zombie who might pass out from sheer exhaustion at any second.
This stage of development is so fun and interactive. I am trying to soak it all in every day, knowing that tomorrow he'll be a bigger boy yet again.
His smiles and giggles are so awesome, and I'm very good at eliciting both from him. He's a happy, and very social little guy. Everyone is always commenting on what a great personality he has. We feel so lucky and proud that he's our boy.
I am in awe every day of how much he makes my heart explode for him, and how just when I think that I couldn't love him anymore, the next day, I realize I love him more deeply yet again. I'm trying to soak in all of these innocent moments with him, because I know they are so fleeting.
Last night, we went to a party where one of the other guests told me about her three losses and four years of infertility. I think someone else at the party directed her to talk to me about our shared experiences.
When her eyes swelled with tears, my heart remembered that pain so easily, yet with so much less of a sting. In so many ways every day, I am reminded that we could still so easily be fighting those day-by-day and minute-by-minute battles if it were not for Carla. I love her more and more everyday too.
Speaking of Carla, she came to visit us last month at our summer place with her mom. She spent 24 hours with us and we had a great visit. We went boating and relaxed together. They were easy company to host (phew!)
Babykins was teething (he has three little razor sharp teeth so far!). His new mobility and independence has him very uninterested in easily allowing his diaper change/clothing change/bedtime etc. to happen any longer in a relaxed manner.
Poopy diaper changes are especially a gong show. When D and I are both home, we tag-team them because he is such a squirmy and strong boy.
It was a little stressful for me navigating all of these new developments with Carla and her Mom around at first. I didn't want it to seem like we don't know what we're doing - even though, admittedly- a lot of the time we don't! (On this note, I am convinced that a lot of parenting is fake it until you make it.)
I find myself wondering if we meet Carla's expectations on what she hoped for when she chose us. She told me after her visit that she loves us so much and that we're awesome parents. It was so nice to hear, but I still feel a tiny bit insecure when we see her, even though I know she, and her family are some of the least judgemental people I have ever met.
D thinks it's good for Carla to see the harder parts of parenting, not just all of the cute pics and giggling baby videos, and well prepped visits. I think she already knows this, and it's why she made the decision she did.
Openess isn't without its hiccups, such as this one, but I definitely feel so glad that we have been able to build such a strong relationship with Carla and Babykins' extended families. The love they have shown our boy and us, is powerful and makes some of the small sacrifices we make to accomodate them in our lives very worth it.
Birthdad (who has had no contact with us since the hospital and is no longer dating Carla) recently told Carla that he would now like to see some pictures too. It's a pretty huge step for him to ask for this, and I think it's because he sees how things are working well for the rest of his family and for Carla. And, maybe he's had more time to process all of this for himself too.
We're going to text him monthly pictures, and invite him to Babykins' first birthday party (which I do not think he'll attend).
I can't believe that I'm even starting to plan his first birthday. My boy is going to be one in the fall...eek! :)
Thursday, 18 June 2015
Right now, I'm in a hospital snuggling my newborn nephew. He is 8lbs of pure bliss. Ahhh. I am soaking it in.
I am so excited for my sister to be a Mama, and to be an aunt for a second time. I am especially happy because I worried about her being able to have a child.
My sister and her fiancé generously invited me to be a part of her labour and delivery. It was such an honour to be able to support her throughout the process and watch everything unfold. It was especially meaningful for me because it's an experience that I may never have.
I've always had a lot of love, respect and admiration for my sister, but watching the way she has navigated this experience has really made me admire her so much more. She has gone through many difficult situations with so much grace and positivity.
I am also reminded by this experience, and as I often am as I experience motherhood, that I am so grateful to"be on the other side" and have my little Babykins waiting for me at home.
Infertility changed so much of me, and I am so glad that I've been able to heal and to experience this without the dark cloud of infertility over my head.
My sister ended up having a c-section because the baby's heart rate was decelerating significantly during her pushing. She's been recovering well, and the baby is doing well.
Tonight, the baby finally latched (on the third day). I was able to watch their breast feeding joirney unfold. Watching him finally latch was such a special moment to share in.
He's 8 months old now!
He's the sweetest little thing. Well, he's not so little- he's almost 23lbs!
Many of our friends and family have told us that he is the happiest, most smiley and giggly baby they have ever met. He loves little repetitive games and surprises. A simple "BOO!" can send him into a giggle-fest.
He started crawling the day before I left to meet my nephew. D has been sending me videos and pictures of him motoring around, leaving a path of toys in his wake. They make my heart swell.
He's a busy little guy, who wants everything to go in his mouth. He's also babbling up a storm, loves attention and food! He dislikes diaper changes and is starting to be quite a challenge to change and dress. If he had his choice, he would stay naked - probably forever.
I started taking the antidepressants about two weeks after they were prescribed. They took the full 6 weeks to take their full effect, but they have been amazing. I am so happy that I have decided to take the plunge and see doctor and take his recommendation even though it was scary for me. I just wish I did it sooner!
Life is good.